


What is This Feeling?

by DoomKitteh



Series: Seirixori Has Feelings [2]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Queertical Role
Genre: Dwarf, F/F, Gen, Tiefling, missing moments fic, she just has feelings that she has to sort out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 18:37:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13129644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomKitteh/pseuds/DoomKitteh
Summary: Seirixori's feelings/thoughts from the moment she met Gunnloda to when they became a thing.





	What is This Feeling?

**Author's Note:**

> Aw yes, I think this is the first time I've written in 2nd person. Maybe? I don't know, it doesn't matter lol
> 
> Wanted to get more into the mindset of my own character but I also just really wanted all her feels about her dwarf gf before they got together, so that's what this is :D

You don’t think anything of her at first, not really. Messy, but not in a bad way. Cheerful, and she’s… well she’s cheerfully greeting you and that’s… that’s odd.

 

You need the space, even with the druids you aren’t used to being around many people. Not used to people being around _you_ , but you feel the need to acknowledge her.

 

Weird, because normally you don’t care. You’d have just stepped back, ignored her. But you didn’t. Why didn’t you?

 

She offers a piece of paper that Ravaphine and her found. You actually step forward to look at it. Another thing you don’t quite understand.

 

She comes with you when you try searching for Vardalon.You’re relieved because while you can heal these companions, you aren’t very good at it. She even stops to help Martyn after his tumble down the stairs.

 

It’s… it’s refreshing and you cover up the confusing feeling coursing through you by overly stating your annoyance and impatience, but they don’t know you, so you can’t find it in yourself to care.

 

Lin was being too loud and really, you were all arguing too much to stop her. Enna was the first to fall, but you didn’t really react to that. _She_ fell and you… that image stayed with you. You tried to help the others but that clearly wasn’t working, so you went to _her_ first. And after stabilizing her you just… you almost reached out, for just a second.

 

The fighting ends quickly after that, she comes to and you try to ignore what’s happening to you by digging around the corpses of the vegepygmy, but it’s no use. Your thoughts are racing too much for you to even notice if there’s anything of note on them.

 

She mentions going back to Bellbury to heal, and you don’t give it a second thought.

 

You quickly make your way down the stairs in the morning, you rarely sleep on beds, or even inside, figured you’d give it a try. It was nice, but not something you plan on doing very often.

 

The second you catch sight of her, you just make a bee-line to head outside, the Citrus Grove is close enough to a forest that you hope it’ll give you a clearer head.

 

Unfortunately you run into someone instead, your introspective time dwindling.

 

You get tired of searching the mansion and just as you suggest seeing if anyone else is around, she shows up and if you believed in any of it, you’d think it was like she knew what you wanted.

 

You trail behind everyone because these feelings, they’re foreign and you don’t know what to do with them; anger, apathy, sadness, loneliness— you know those, you know them so well. Liking someone? It’s been… it’s been _so_ long since you’ve even had a friend that wasn’t your mother. A “friend” who wasn’t a wolf or a goddess. This… this doesn’t feel like friend and it’s scaring you.

 

It’s the second time she’s mentioned things about food and it forces you to school your features. You really just want to laugh, but you also need to let her know it really isn’t something to put in food, just in case.

 

You wanted the fight over, you didn’t even want to finish it. You had Vardalon, that was all you needed. But you also just wanted the vegepygmy away from you. Enough so that you didn’t pay attention to your surroundings.

 

You hit Brimeia and her with your wave of thunder… and while you gave no reaction at the time… you’ve never used it since.

 

You get back to the basement and need to distract yourself so you start searching the area, seeing if there’s anything interesting to _you_. But you watch her out of the corner of your eye, take that fucking gnome’s body and take it up the stairs, probably to bury it somewhere.

 

But then you’re stuck with Brimeia and you wonder if floundering with possible feelings and following her would have been better.

 

More people show up and you’re all set to go and for a second you you can’t decide if you’re relieved or disappointed that she isn’t here.

 

She comes back though and there’s enough going on that you don’t react to it, but you know you relaxed the second you saw her coming down the stairs.

 

You find yourself in the dark, creepy shuffling surrounding everyone. You hear her comment about how dark it is and you find yourself gravitating in her direction. But you aren’t watching where you’re going, trying to see what’s around you and you manage to bump into her, alerting whatever’s around you of your presence.

 

You end up focused on the battle around you, you don’t want to stick around for too long. Skeletons are just not something you want to deal with, creepy as they are. One of them manages to hit you and you can hear her ask if someone’s hurt.

 

The component is through skeletons and you don’t want to chance that so you go to her. She closes up the wound from an arrow and you just… you just stay by her side. You notice a spectre coming toward everyone and you almost reach out and grab hold of her.

 

She beats you too it though. You don’t know much about dwarfs but the statement of not being able to see seems strange, but she called you _love_ and even though you’ve heard her say it to the others, you can’t stop your reaction to it.

 

The light warmth you feel rushing through you, the hair on the back of your neck standing, you can’t think more of it because the skeletons surround the two of you. Luckily their attacks just bounce off her but you still want them to go away, the forest flashing in your mind.

 

You turn a skeleton to dust, and instead of moving forward to help more… you continue to stay next to her.

 

It was probably a terrible decision, you can feel some of your life drain from you as the spectre reaches into your body. But you hold your place, waiting for the rest of the group so they can get out… and wanting to make sure she has someone near.

 

You end up back home almost the second you get back to the basement. You sigh and take a breath, maybe now your head will clear. You continue your search for the bandits you found earlier, hoping it's the distraction you’ll need to get over these feelings.

 

You pop back in several hours later and you’re not happy about it, you had a trail finally, and you know it’ll be cold the next time you get teleported back.

 

You’re even more disappointed because when you get to the Cask, she isn’t there. A new face is, she’s pretty, but… it’s not one you want to see.

 

You even ignore her at one point, it’s not really on purpose. The skeleton’s got brought up and you mentioned being glad to get out but… then your mind drifted and _she_ was prominent and you couldn’t stop yourself from wondering where it was she went back to. What she was doing… if she was ok.

 

Cyan joins you for the next component, and you feel bad about ignoring her earlier, because while your charm worked, you regret doing it. You aren’t that great with people, but he starts to get *too* nice and you’re forever grateful that Cyan stepped in. You really need to thank her for that one of these days.

 

You go with the kenku to some broken and precarious looking tower when she comes into view with a dragonborn and you can’t stop yourself from blurting out her name in excitement. Your face grows warm from your reaction and her attention, but Enna’s reaction to the new companion dulls it.

 

It’s the first time you got your wild shape to work. You didn’t really do too well with it but you make your way to her side the moment the fighting stops. Somewhere from her disappearing to her reappearing you decided that whether you could process your feelings or not, you wanted to be near her. You can’t even stop the purr that rolls out of you when she pets you in your panther form.

 

You then make the stupid mistake of biting a mass of eyes and teeth. You almost don’t regret it because once it was dead, she comes over and gives you something to take the taste away.

 

Later you get a little too excited that you managed to make your way across the dangerous floor as a wolf and make your way up the tower, without everyone else. It isn’t until you’re back with Enna and Urrak that you see *her* a floor lower than she should have been.

 

You ask if she’s ok and she shrugs it off and you’re so close to fussing over her but you don’t know if you should, or if you can. When she smiles moments later at Brimeia’s embarrassment, you don’t know _anything_.

 

She places her hand on you when you pull out Poni, for what your sure is the first time (second really), and you have to take a moment to not lean into it.

 

Talking to Poni was a mistake, but you’re almost grateful for it. She goes to you almost the second you walk in. You don’t expect it and you nearly down the ale she sets in front of you. Proof that she has you all out of sorts  ~~not at all because of your discussion with Poni~~  because you _don’t_ drink.

 

She actually makes you feel like it’s okay to talk to her. Like it’s okay to tell her your issues, you start to but then Urrak shows up and you clam up. But then you start talking anyway and you swear it’s the drink. Who are you and why are you telling these strangers of your past?

 

Your eyes don’t leave her when she walks away, you know Urrak is talking to you but you can’t focus on anything but _her_  and you aren’t even aware enough to hope no one notices.

 

She brings you food and water and you stop yourself from saying more than ‘you’re the best’. Barely.

 

She teases you about your mishap earlier with the gibbering mouther and you bring up your mother in the process. You mention a few things but then you quickly try and learn more about her, Urrak helping you with questions, even if she too was interested. You’re never good at talking to people, so you’re glad Urrak was just as curious.

 

You call her nice...backtrack and call them all nice. It’s true. You blabber then about Mielikki and it’s the first time you realize that talking to goddesses is not a normal thing. You also blab more than you ever thought you would, so now both her and Urrak know more about you than anyone other than your mother ever has.

 

Of course Brimeia shows up and draws attention to you that you don’t want. You aren’t usually so distant to other tieflings but she’s pushed your buttons since the day you met. You turn your attention back to _her_ , making sure again that she’s okay from that fall in the tower.

 

Of course then they bring up your foray into charming the shopkeep and you just want to melt into your seat. It doesn’t take long for you to feel closed in and you practically scramble out of your seat to get some fresh air.

 

When you come back the creepy dwarf Ravaphine and Enna brought back is gone and you get to know another thing about _h_ _er_  thanks to Ravaphine’s question. However you really don’t want to talk about family and you down another cup of ale. She worries and you don’t really react because Ravaphine continues and instead of just ignoring it you tell them about how they’re all dead.

 

And then you call her pretty.

 

And then you wonder why you even came back from outside.

 

You have to wonder because you really need to hope no one comments on you calling _her_  pretty because you don’t really have anything to say, except that she is _really_  pretty and caring. And you adore the way she talks about food. The way she cares about strangers. The way she cares about _you_.

 

No ones cared about you like this, not since your mother. And you get that thought quickly out of your mind because you _like_ her and never want to compare her to your mother again. You start saying more things about your past and you don’t know if it’s the drink or if it’s just her presence.

 

Probably both. You stay a little longer, you don’t want to turn away the food she offers you and you really just want to watch her some more. Instead you just start _t_ _alking_. Telling everyone part of your story.

 

When you finally shake yourself of your mistake you head upstairs and you’re kind of surprised you don’t trip over your tail and fall down them when she comes to help you. You’re relieved you don’t embarrass yourself further, you were seconds from pulling her with you when you went to lie down. You haven’t had a hug in over four years and you yearned for it then.

 

You wake up the next morning to food and water next to you, and you know it was her.

 

She’s kind and gentle to you when you get downstairs, but you can’t help but still be embarrassed. She’s nice enough to not bring up your pretty comment.

 

There’s a small part of you that wishes she did.

 

 _So_  much happens in the next 5 hours that you find it hard to process. You met another goddess, not that you knew it at the time, you told Enna the bow belonged to your mother, you put yourself on the side of a fight you still don’t know was the correct side, and then you nearly _died_  in doing so.

 

She’s there when you go back to the Cask, and you’re still a bloodied mess. She gives you food and water and makes sure you’re okay and you know it’s just in her nature but you still have that hope somewhere that maybe… one day…

 

You leave and then come back again, you give a little more detail into how your family was killed and she reaches out to comfort you and you get _so nervous_  and you just start _talking_  because you don’t know how to handle it.

 

She makes a joke and laughs and you’re mesmerized, snickering along with her joke but the only reason you don’t lose yourself in it is because Urrak asks you something.

 

She makes sure you will rest before heading for another component and your feelings for her grow more with such small gestures that you’re sure you’re half in love with her already.

 

She also offers to go with you (and the rest of the group really) to get some new underclothes that aren’t covered in blood. Of course, flustered as you are, when Ravaphine hands you new ones you still mention going to find some, your brain settled on just spending more time with _her_. She mentions having friends is ok and all you can think is that you really don’t want to be _just_  her friend.

 

You make the excuse to go clean your own clothes just to stop yourself from saying things you aren’t really sure are welcome, but instead of sleeping outside like normal you find yourself back in the cask not too long after, making sure you say goodnight to her before heading to one of the beds.

 

Your heart does a little flip when she addresses you the moment you get downstairs in the morning.

 

It does another when she tags along with you to find the next component.

 

It nearly stutters to a halt when she links her arm in yours when you get ready to walk into the teleporter.

 

When you walk through, you don’t feel right. You make to move away from her and towards an enemy because of it, however she moves closer to you and you’re briefly confused at the action, but the battle happening draws you out of it and you focus on that instead.

 

It doesn’t end well and you eventually come to, mostly naked and in chains. Everyone else as well. Nudity isn’t something you pay attention to normally. You actually prefer it sometimes. However, you make yourself focus on the collar around your neck because you know staring at her is not the polite thing to do and you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. But one single thing crosses your mind after the glance you give yourself, _she’s beautiful_.

 

You do everything you can not to fuss over the bruise on her face.

 

Her confession about not wanting to leave you alone, you aren’t entirely sure she meant _you_  or if she meant everyone, makes your heart and face certainly think it was _you_.

 

You continue to do everything you can to distract yourself from getting too close to her. You can’t recall the last time you actively seeked to touch someone. Not in any sexual manner, but you find it hard to resist placing a hand on her shoulder or taking her hand in yours when she talks to you. Being in this enclosed space makes it that much harder.

 

 _She_  makes it harder when she goes to make sure you follow them around. You hadn’t planned on it, honestly. You were going to stay put, make it easy on yourself. But she just gives you that _look_  and your feet move and suddenly you’re next to her and talking to the Baroness.

 

You check out of the conversation, befriending a myconid and you tell them how nice she is and you say this all *out loud* where they can all hear you. Where  _she_  can hear you.

 

You take them to try and chat up some of the other prisoners, more of an excuse to calm your heart ~~it really doesn’t work~~. You can just see her out of the corner of your eye, and you realize that, no matter what happens, you’re going to always be conscious of where she is.

 

The guards start splitting up the prisoners and as she gets taken away she looks back at you, sad. Like she doesn’t want to leave you and you’re so… you’re _confused_  because as far as you were aware, she didn’t have anything but friendly feelings for you. While you aren’t an expert on friends by any means, none of the others looked at you like that.

 

Your face burns and you’re glad everyone else left before they could see it.

 

You do something so incredibly stupid, because you want out of here so bad. You know you’re lucky you didn’t get caught. You almost did.

 

You manage to grab everyone’s things and Poni, then you make it back to get everyone and while you tried to get _everyone_  Stool and the Baroness are the only two not from your original group that go back with you.

 

You can’t help yourself, you grab Stool and you place your hand on her shoulder. She grasps onto your arm and you can’t ignore the warmth that spreads through you at her touch.

 

When you get back, you’re still naked and you think her red face is a reaction to that. Sometimes you forget that most people aren’t quite as comfortable with the naked form as you are.

 

You make sure she’s really ok, and try to see if it is your nakedness she’s uncomfortable with but she assures you she’s fine.

 

You need to sort out your head, but you also need to get into open space. The chains, the underground, and the very small basement is starting to get to you. You bring Stool along, because you can’t get yourself to leave them alone. They’re your responsibility now.

 

She gives you food as soon as you get back to the Cask and you can’t help but be disappointed that it isn’t her cooking.

 

You’re also so grateful she knows just what to give Stool for food. They mention the other dwarf in the prison, and you can’t help yourself but tell them that _she’s_  your favorite, again, out loud, definitely close enough for her to hear it.

 

You go through a gambit of emotions that night and the next morning she’s the first person you see. You might, just a little, possibly insulted her with your comment about how early she gets up. You really hope she didn’t take it the wrong way. You asked because you wanted to know how early you needed to get up to help her in the kitchen one of these days.

 

New faces arrive and you’re bummed about it because you really just wanted to talk to her today, you needed a distraction from the night before.

 

They’re all very interesting, a genasi, a halfling, and a human. You try and make your escape but Urrak makes you join them all at a table. Cole, the genasi was kind of inspiring to you, until she started talking and then she reminds you too much of Brimeia. The halfling, Andry, you think might be a good friend eventually. She’s funny. The human… you try to stay away, you’ve never had good experiences.

 

The others start complimenting her cooking and you have to bite your tongue to not join in. You _know_  that once you start talking you _won’t_  stop and you are not going to do that in front of all these people.

 

You don’t really participate in the conversation. In part due to how uncomfortable you are, but also because you’re _that_  disappointed that you couldn’t talk to her like you wanted.

 

The human gets called holy one and you can’t help the snort that escapes and then she says something and you really don’t know if it was a joke or not. You’re almost sure it was, but she’s _human_  and that’s never been a good thing.

 

You manage to escape, using Stool as your reason. You make sure they’re okay and let them know about the new people. You know you’re way too excited that when you get back up, the others are gone and she’s there alone. However, luckily you manage to stay calm and ask about talking to gods, because she’s a cleric, surely she’d know?

 

She doesn’t and you’re a little disappointed because you really just want to know _why_  but then she tells you you’re _worth_  talking to and you can feel yourself get as red as Brimeia. That’s the only reaction you give and you try really hard not to bolt out of the Cask to follow the others to get new supplies. However she ends up following and it takes everything you have not to reach out to her.

 

The others practically force you to take your mother’s bow. You left it at the mansion on purpose but you don’t want to have the argument, so you take it. Poni starts being… well, Poni and you’re so angry that you just take him and throw him as far as you can. Brimeia threw him before and you figure it’ll be fine.

 

However the others aren’t exactly on par with it and get angry about it, especially when you realize that you actually broke the crystal inside that powers it up.

 

It just keeps getting worse and Urrak tears into you and you just accept it because of course you can’t keep a friend for very long. You’ve not had one in nearly twelve years, if you really want to count the *one* day you had one, what do you know about it?

 

 _She_  tries to comfort you but you’re too upset at yourself to accept it.

 

It’s when you’re just _so happy_  they brought Poni back that she pulls you out of the basement to talk to you.

 

It’s the first time since meeting her that you’re afraid to follow her, afraid of what she’s going to say. You already feel the crushing weight of thinking you disappointed her.

 

She asks what’s wrong and you honestly _don’t know_. It’s nothing and it’s everything and that’s all you can say and she’s just…

 

She’s amazing. She believes in you and you… you just want to cry but it isn’t the time. She offers to talk to you more if you want and… you offer to do the same because you’ll do whatever it takes to talk to her more. To help her, to learn about her. Everything, anything. You nearly choke on your own spit when she reaches out to rub your arm.

 

When you all get ready to walk into the teleporter for the next component she grabs your hand and your face burns. You almost can’t concentrate on the spell you cast to quiet everyone’s movement.

 

Not that it matters seconds later because you inhale what feels like five gallons of water.

 

You’ve still got a hold of her, or she has a hold of you, you’re not really sure which. Nor do you care, but she’s also choking on water and you don’t even pay attention to your surroundings because you focus on helping her, not bothering to care that you too are hacking up the water you swallowed.

 

Urrak and Ravaphine are terrible liars and you step forward, scaring the fisherman enough to just leave you alone. So you think.

 

You ignore them, however, and turn your attention back to her. You just really need to make sure she’s okay. But you do see them arm themselves from the corner of your eye.

 

Before you can do anything however, you find yourself in the middle of a road. A very familiar road. The people who your eye catches turn away quickly, and confirms where you are. You’re back in Ardabeh.

 

It takes you a moment to remember that yes, this is the normal reaction. This is what you’re used to. You briefly wonder if you should head back to the druids but you’re on the verge of a breakdown and you don’t want to do it there.

 

To your surprise the inn doesn’t shut its doors in your face. In fact they give you a room, happily, and food.

 

You barely manage to make it up the stairs before you start sobbing.

 

You’re not sure how long, but eventually you go back down to eat the food you paid for. The woman who serves you even brings you tea when she hears how rough your voice is. It takes everything you have to not start crying again from the kindness you never usually receive.

 

The food isn’t anywhere near _her_ standards and that nearly sets you off again because it’s been what, an hour? Less? And you’re already a mess from missing her, and you’re hit with the fact that this is no longer home to you and it’s _food_  that makes you realize it.

 

Just as you think you’re about to start sobbing into your food, you’re surroundings grow dull and lifeless and you fall on your ass, staring up at the grimmest sky you’ve seen.

 

You can’t hide the giant grin on your face when _her_  face appears before you as she helps you up.

 

The comment about preferring her company actually leaves your mouth.

 

You start talking to a ghost, a ghost everyone can see and it creeps you the hell out. Your heart skips when she, small as she is, takes a step in front of you, like she won’t let it hurt you.

 

You soon find yourself fighting a bunch of waterlogged undead and you also anger the wrong one. You fall, paralyzed, face first into the ankle deep water. The human actually pulls you from the water and gets you away from the undead and you’re so shocked that you nearly miss _her_  taking down one of the undead and you’re…

 

Well, that’s a feeling for another time, you’re unable to move still and that’s something you should probably work on.

 

She comes to you once the fighting is done, not having seen your fall, and tends to your wounds and you tell her she’s the best. It’s nowhere close to what you really want to say.

 

Later you find yourself spending several hours with Nolanos, searching for the component. When you get back to the others she’s there looking worried and you apologize immediately.

 

After explaining a few things to the others, you pull her aside and apologize again.

 

What happens when you finally are let into town and get a room…

 

Sometimes you think you dreamt it.

 

Sometimes you wish you could go back and *not* say the stupidest thing about living for a long time.

 

Bleakmourne is probably one of the most depressing places you’ve ever been, and the power the kraken has over the people is terrifying. And yet…

 

And yet…

 

And yet, you’ll always hold a fond spot for it in your heart,

 

Because it’s where your heart started beating again.

  



End file.
